Stop it with the clowns.


I mean, I change channels on the television, and it’s there. I walk down the street, and it’s there.


Because the new movie based on the famous Stephen King novel is out soon.

And it’s the first fiction-thing that I really remember scaring me as a kid. I didn’t read the book but I caught the mini-series when my parents were out one day and OH MY GOD THAT WASN’T A GOOD IDEA.

Seriously, Pennywise scares me nearly as much as Hanson (the band) does, and I’m pretty sure I have Hansonphobia.

I mean, I’m not scared of clowns, exactly. I love the circus, and my heart goes out to clowns struggling to work what with the bad rep from all the crazy clown sightings (and some of that stuff is pretty damn crazy, even for Northampton).

In some ways, I kind of want to watch the film, to take ownership of those sleepless nights. And then I see a trailer for it and I’m outta that door faster than a pre-caffeinated squirrel.

But how does that saying go – fight fire with fire? If you have one pain, distract yourself with another? (Is that a saying? That’s definitely a saying, right?). So, without further ado here’s the stuff of (some of) my nightmares:

1. Clowns

Naturally, see above.

2. Hanson

As mentioned, Hanson are one of the few things that make my hairs stand on end and my spine shiver. Neither of these things in a good way. Even the thought of the hit single that shall here remain nameless makes bile rise in my throat and sweat drip from my fingers. I ain’t even linking to them here, it’s that bad. Google them at your own peril.

3. Not being able to see

On a more serious level, this is something that fills me with dread. Cold, dark dread. I can’t even start to imagine not being able to see.

4. Spiders, bugs, and that being all there is

I watched a film, years ago, where someone was tortured on a table where they were strapped down and then subjected to the experience of being covered in centipedes and bugs and spiders – tonnes of them. None of them were actually real, but the table recreated your innermost horrors via some sort of hallucinatory device. I don’t remember the name of the film, but every time I see “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here…” it takes me back to that scene…

5. Running out of cheese.

If you don’t know me, you don’t know that I really like cheese. Lack of cheese is prone to make me stressed, and sometimes unpredictable. The best thing in the world are Babybel – emergency, portable cheese. Whoever thought of that was a genius.

There, I already feel better…


I think I might just watch the Moomins and try and go to sleep…

2 replies on “Quit your clowning around

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