Things to do while you stay the fuck home

Whether officially or unofficially, it seems like it might not be the best idea to leave your house if you don’t need to. 

Easier said than done, right? But where you can, go to work, get your groceries, get back home. Maybe steer clear of the all-night raves and communal ice-cream licking contests. Yes, I know, you’d reached the highly coveted Cornetto stages – these heats are postponed until further notice. 

Wash your hands. 

Don’t touch your face. 

There’s a lot of information pounding the social media streets and filling the newspaper pages. I ain’t no type of scientist of virologist, but the take away I’m getting is whether you’re at risk or not, try not to be a vector dick (technical term). 

So’s, now a lot of y’all might be spending more time at home, but what are you doing between washing your hands and touching not touching your face? As someone who does not have many social plans as a general rule (activities consisting mostly of writing-gaming-reading-rinse-repeat) allow me to provide you with my top five suggestions of things to do while you stay the fuck home. 

  1. Accidentally (on purpose) start a cult 

This normally happens accidentally but certain circumstances can be engineered, and this can be an entertaining way to pass an afternoon, perhaps even a long weekend. Ordinarily, this happens by having a nosebleed over your diary whilst selected pages simultaneously and spontaneously combust. Alternatively, you may enter the super-special-command-control-prompt-key combination (code redacted) whilst surfing your social media channels, inadvertently releasing your digital God-self. As followers arrive at your house you should take sensible precautions, including limiting secret handshakes to surreptitious waves, and implementing a cult from home policy. 

  1. Mix herbal teas until you obtain the correct blend to summon the monster that lives behind your drawers 

Possible combinations may include chamomile and mint, red berry and lemon and ginger, or if you’re feeling particularly extravagant you can experiment with beetroot and nettle. Don’t forget to intone the sacred words, including please and thank you. Once summoned, do not anger the monster, it protects your socks. Also note, you may wish to have board games available to entertain your guest now they have come out into the light – for reference, HeroQuest beats Monopoly every day of the week. 

  1. Train your cats in the dark arts of ninja knitting 

The trickiest stage in the process is training them to hold the needles and use the wool for approved purposes. They also may object to the mandatory ninja knitting outfits. Once basic training has been completed, you may find that your cats wish to further specialise, perhaps wishing to use alternative knitting tools such as swords. Such techniques may lead to the production of jumpers with grunge styling. This is only advisable for advanced practitioners and under strict supervision, however once cats have gained black-belt ninja knitting status, they serve as an efficient guard in the event of any imminent Armageddon. They also provide you with ample knitwear, which always helps in any given situation. 

  1. Create a Lego robot to do your bidding in the outside world 

Let’s be honest, you probably already have a Lego robot, so this is just for those of you who are pretending that you don’t. Spending more time at home means you’ve now got the time to implement this most crucial of survival strategies in the modern world. Think Westworld but with plastic bricks. Please be nice to your robots, or you risk the excruciating pain of tiny blocks digging into your bare feet. Make them your friends now rather than your enemies later. And remember, the toaster will absolutely tell on you, so never swear about your burned toast, and don’t poke it with knives. Toasters have feelings too, you know. 

  1. Open up the portal in the attic by playing the Close Encounters theme tune backwards on the harmonica 

Harmonica is ideal, however at a push a kazoo will suffice. Be sure to play the notes in exactly the right order and rhythm. Errors in performance may result in portals of the dire variety, including but not limited to the Portal of Eternal Toothache, the Portal of Mrs Brown’s Boys on Repeat, or the Portal of Cheese Never Existed

But whatever you choose to do with your unexpected extra time at home, don’t forget to wash your hands, to not touch your face, and to check in with your loved ones. We’re all in this together, at an acceptable social distance. 

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